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Hey, maybe those medical experiments are how people are getting spiderheads?
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#Gay massage male austin movie#
As it stands, it’s some movie starring Hemsworth and Miles Teller about weird medical experiments. Advanced screenings are indicating that it’s like Edward Scissorhands with an arachnid spin, and with Hemsworth instead of Johnny Depp, because nobody wants to cast that dirty whore after hearing so much about him and Amber Heard’s poop.Īctually, that’s just the movie I wish this was.
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He decides to start eating people with his spider mouth-not only for nourishment, but for the five or six minutes of much-needed social interaction they pathetically provide as they are suffering through a nightmarish, agonizing, screaming spiderhead death. He can’t get a date to the big ballroom dance, because he’s really fucking ugly and scary, and his dog won’t come in the house, because she is too freaked out. Spiderhead (June 17): Chris Hemsworth stars in this Netflix movie about a dude with a spiderhead who is totally alienated from society and can’t find a single hat to fit his seriously odd, spider-like head. Many of them have been going straight to Disney+ lately. (I guess his contract to voice all incarnations of Buzz didn’t go to infinity and beyond.) It’s a Pixar movie in theaters for a change. Chris Evans voices Buzz, the astronaut who inspired the toy that appears in the Toy Story movies, originally voiced by Tim Allen. Lightyear (June 17): Every superhero needs its origin story, and Buzz Lightyear is getting one. Dinosaurs try to take over the world in this one, which looks like an extension of that short sequence in Spielberg’s Jurassic Park: The Lost World in which a T-Rex was running around San Diego. Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum and the rotting corpse of Sir Richard Attenborough return for the farewell party alongside Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. Yeah, right: They’ll be watching new Jurassic Park movies a gazillion years in the future while the Earth is being apocalyptically swallowed by the sun. Jurassic World Dominion (June 10): This is being pushed as the film that will close out the franchise. Scratch that nothing sucked as much as Jack and Jill. (They are sorry about the rate hikes … they are really, really sorry!) Adam Sandler, who seems to be loving his Netflix deal, stars as a basketball scout in this, one of his dramatic offerings, which tend to be better than the comedy ones-unless you count Reign Over Me and The Cobbler, which sucked just as much as Jack and Jill. Hustle (June 8): There’s new Netflix stuff all over the place this summer. This has got to be better than 2016’s Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The release dates here are the officially announced dates as of this writing, but things change, and movies don’t always open in all markets at once, so don’t be writing this shit into your calendar with a Sharpie.Ĭrimes of the Future (June 2): Director David Cronenberg goes down his oft-traveled horror path with the likes of Viggo Mortensen, Kristen Stewart and Lea Seydoux, coming along for what’s sure to be a yucky venture.įire Island (June 3): Saturday Night Live star Bowen Yang co-stars in what is, apparently, a gay version of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
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Here is a sampling of some big movies and TV events coming your way. Turn on my massage chair, and get me some Skittles!” It looks like a semi-respectable “summer movie season” is shaping up.Īdditionally, there are some exciting TV premieres this summer for those of you who are thinking, “Theaters are for dicks I ain’t leaving this house. (I still throw one on at the theater there’s a lot of sloppy riffraff in those places, myself included.)Īpparently, that happy safe (?) time is now, with some big films-some long delayed-coming your way in the next few months. It sent movies running away from their release dates-like coked-up Olympian track athletes after 17 venti Starbucks-to a safer time in the future when they could be watched in a happy theater, perhaps, if viewers so dared, without a mask. Shit, I didn’t want to leave the house to go to the damn movie theaters that jerk squelched my drive to breathe, let alone write summer movie previews. Yeah, Trump sure did mess with my biochemical makeup. You know, that horrid five-letter word that devastated the nation-draining us of our energy, and making it hard to venture out and partake in something like public movie-viewing. Why? Well, there was that invasive viral nightmare that disrupted so many lives. It’s been several years since I’ve written one of these summer movie preview stories.